guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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