waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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