wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
