she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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