You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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