My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
