I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
