allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
