Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
