somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
