in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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