Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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