Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
