Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
