i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
