My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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