Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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