I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
