I cannot find my penis.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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