I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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