sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
