i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
