Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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