Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
