Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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