see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
