i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
