I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
