I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
