I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
