'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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