So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
