Joe is yelling at the trees again.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
