You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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