why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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