I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
