We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
