I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You dont lie about slip and slides
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
