Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a hot homeless man
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
