Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
