i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
