Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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