She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
