I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Of course I have a pirate flag
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
