i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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