i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Randomize
