Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
