it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The Olympian is in my bed
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
