Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
