I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
