You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
